The Most Secure and Well-adjusted Babies Are Byu the Most Secure and Well-adjusted Babies Are

As children grow, a parent's role evolves—from caregiver to choreographer to coach. When children hit immature adulthood and finish their college years, parents part primarily as consultants. But this promotion is no cushy retirement. It's a challenging gig: even the almost well-adapted immature adult can run into roadblocks, and parents have less control over kids' decisions than before.

Want to hone your parental consulting skills? We'll use the ultimate b-school education tool, the case study, to explore how yous tin can offer communication for the most perplexing immature-adulthood dilemmas and help your grown-upwardly kids grow into leaders in their careers, families, and communities.

Example Written report i: Making Room for Mistakes

The dilemma:

Your twenty-three-year-old son, Curtis, attended community college for a few years and received his associate'south degree but couldn't decide on a major or career that interested him. Your family unit values pedagogy, and you hoped he would transfer to a state college, but he decided to have a break from schoolhouse. He spent a few months traveling, then got a task at a local grocery store where a friend of his worked. He's worked at that place contentedly for the by year or so.

This summer, his friend invited him to assist make a web video series. Curtis gushed to you nigh how much he enjoyed working on it—plus he's thrilled that the serial gained a significant corporeality of views and subscribers. Curtis and his friend just started a crowdfunding campaign to create a second serial. At present he'd like to quit his job to devote more time to producing videos and seeking out sponsors, and he hopes to translate his online success into a sweetness Hollywood screenwriting bargain. You don't desire to crush Curtis'south dreams, but you're concerned that his expectations are unrealistic.

The response:

The consultant office gets particularly hard when yous feel that your child is taking a wrong plow or destined for disappointment. How do you rest your desire to foreclose damage with the need to grant your kid space to pursue his dreams—and learn from mistakes?

Inquire first. In this state of affairs, your showtime instinct is to call it similar you see it. Just with young adults, it's important to commencement ask if they're open up to advice. "Unsolicited communication tin can come off every bit critical rather than supportive," says Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist, owner of Wasatch Family Therapy in Salt Lake Urban center, and writer of The Burnout Cure and The Assertiveness Guide for Women. "When information technology's unwelcome, your advice-sharing is going to negatively bear on the relationship, and the relationship is more important than being right." Hanks suggests this script: "I've been thinking well-nigh you and your career plans. I wonder if y'all're open to feedback or ideas."

Reality check. Hanks suggests saying, "I believe you're capable, but you nevertheless need to eat and accept a identify to live while you're making your dreams come true. What are your plans for that?" Yous may discover that Curtis is expecting you to serve every bit a backup checking account or lodging. If he hasn't thought through applied matters, offering to assist brainstorm strategies, such every bit keeping his current job part-fourth dimension or waiting until he's saved upwards money to embrace a few months' expenses. You don't need to tell him to compress his dreams, only emphasize he is more likely to succeed if he breaks it down into smaller, specific steps.

Stay on your side. Sometimes parents feel that guilt trips are their merely tool for persuasion. But for a healthy human relationship, Hanks says, you need to "stay on your side of the court." You're not allowed to jump to the other side and hitting for the other person; you must volley the ball from your own side, with phrases similar "This is how I feel" or "This is how it looks from my perspective." Rather than resorting to passive-aggressive comments, Hanks says, ain any concerns and limited them as your concerns. The unhealthy response to Curtis might exist "Oh, is that really what you desire to exercise with your life?" or "Y'all really shouldn't practice something like this until you finish schoolhouse." A better response is to use "I" statements: "I'k really glad you lot've found something you love doing, but there's a function of me that's a piddling nervous because I want you to exist financially secure. I think that getting a degree start or staying on with your current job for a while would exist a wiser choice. I simply wanted to permit yous know how I felt, and you tin can take it or exit it."

Case Report 2: Enforcing Business firm Rules

The dilemma:

You have a new—er, sometime—resident in your firm: your twenty-five-twelvemonth-old son, Seth. He moved dorsum abode when he was no longer able to live off the office-time task he held in his higher town. He isn't sure what kind of career he wants to pursue and is taking time to explore his interests.

Seth isn't a troublemaker, but his nocturnal schedule is driving you crazy. Sometimes he stays out late with friends and doesn't come domicile until 1 in the forenoon, or he has a friend over to play video games fifty-fifty farther into the wee hours. Then he sleeps in late and eats leftovers, conveniently missing any repast prep or cleanup. He mows the lawn and takes out the trash when asked, and y'all enjoy his company. Merely you lot're kickoff to resent plucking dirty laundry off the bathroom floor—and fear this organization has no end in sight.

The response:

When adult children return home, the parenting human relationship is murkier than when they were younger. Where does their independence end and your say-so begin? You want to assist out, just you don't want to be taken reward of.

Set the record direct. It is increasingly common for immature adults in the United States to remain or render habitation. According to the Pew Research Center, betwixt 2010 and 2015 the number of immature adults living with parents rose from 24 to 26 per centum—despite an improving chore market. In your instance, Seth seems to view his living arrangement as an upgraded version of his teen years, with all the comforts of home, minus the rules and responsibilities. Simply hither'southward the existent deal: living at dwelling is a privilege, not an entitlement; it'south a stepping rock on the path to independence.

Communicate expectations. Discuss specific expectations for Seth's responsibilities (and ideally, become it on paper). Possible discussion points:

• How long does he wait to stay? Fix a movement-out date or, at the very least, a date to reevaluate.
• Do you expect him to pay hire? If so, how much?
• How much should he contribute to utilities, groceries, and other household expenses?
• What housework will he be responsible for (e.1000., laundry, dinner prep, dishwashing)?
• Can he utilise the family motorcar? If and so, how oft? Does he need to pay for gas?
• Do you expect him to spend a certain number of hours each twenty-four hour period applying for jobs?
• In cases where at that place are grandchildren, how volition the household divide responsibilities for their care?
• What house rules, specially in regard to curfew, guests, or activities you lot don't want in the abode (like drinking), do you expect your developed child to follow? What or how many infractions are grounds for eviction?

Maintain boundaries. This is near more than knocking before you enter a sleeping room. You need emotional boundaries too—and time away from your kid could assistance pave the mode to his independence. "It's really of import for parents to have peer friends," Hanks says. "It's okay to do things with your adult child, but your child should non be your only or best friend. I've heard so many young-adult clients say, 'I can't find my ain apartment or get married or move for this job opportunity because my mom or dad would exist so lonely.' That's also much pressure on your kid."

Stand your basis. What if your immature-adult resident is a troublemaker—or lawbreaker? "A common pitfall for parents is not allowing a young adult to face consequences for their choices, in the proper name of dearest," Hanks says. "Simply I ascertain dearest equally doing what's in their all-time interest, not what seems 'nice' or reduces conflict. I've told parents, 'Don't bail your kid out of jail or pay their overdue cell telephone pecker. They need to learn.' The most loving response is sometimes the hardest."

Case Study 3: Understanding Singlehood

The dilemma:

Your xxx-two-year-old daughter, Laura, earned an MBA (at the Marriott Schoolhouse, naturally) and works in finance in the heart of a big urban center. She is a adoring aunt to your three grandkids. She ran in her second marathon this fall. She is too single.

You lot were disappointed when she told you she wouldn't exist able to make it home for Thanksgiving this year because of work, and information technology injure when your other daughter passed along what Laura told her: she is tired of being assigned to the "kids' table" with younger cousins and weary of constant reminders from y'all and other family members near her marital status.

Everything you've said about her singleness has felt well-intentioned: You've told her that she's a great grab. You've reassured her of the LDS conventionalities that, at the very least, she'll be able to observe Mr. Right in the next life. You lot've offered dating advice, asked her about men she'south interested in, and encouraged her to proceed attending LDS singles events (though she would prefer to accept a intermission, lament that women always outnumber men two-to-one). You have told Laura that you're proud of her career accomplishments and are grateful for her financial stability and success, but yous as well emphasize the importance of raising a family. You just desire her to be happy. You're hurt that Laura didn't limited her concerns to you directly, but you don't desire this rift to further damage your relationship with her.

The response:

How do y'all mend the relationship when you realize your well-intentioned efforts to support your adult child have fallen curt?

Understand what went wrong. "Just considering yous made decisions with your child's all-time interests in heed, doesn't mean that they were experienced the way you lot intended," writes Joshua Coleman, PhD, psychologist and author of When Parents Hurt. In this case, however well intended, what Laura needed was not more reminders of her singleness. Oftentimes focusing on her spousal relationship prospects, her dating entreatment, or the importance of wedlock in LDS doctrine sends the bulletin that her worth is dependent on her marital status. At worst, emphasizing the potential for marriage in the afterlife can imply that her current life lacks real value.

Apologize. Accomplish out to Laura to repent and avoid being defensive. You could re-extend an invite to Thanksgiving—sans kids' table—simply don't expect or pressure her to come up. Of course, it may have fourth dimension to mend the fences. "Don't give up besides soon," Coleman urges. "You may need to reach out for a long time before you come across an improvement in the human relationship." In the meantime, forth with nixing the union guilt trips, wait at other ways yous tin can be more than considerate or supportive. For example, don't presume that her schedule is more flexible or less important than that of your children with spouses and kids. Occasionally visit her rather than always expecting her to come to your home or a married sibling's dwelling.

Affirm her value. "All a unmarried adult actually wants is for her parents and those around her to accept her as a whole person—married or not," says Naomi Watkins, founder of Aspiring Mormon Women, a nonprofit that supports the professional person and educational goals of LDS women. Limited interest in your daughter's pursuits in all areas of life, and exist an uplifting emotional support when she needs it. Kristen Yard. Oaks, author of A Single Voice, was unmarried until her fifties, when she married Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. She admonishes young adults, "Be the best y'all tin exist. I also suggest yous, from experience, to worry less about union than about becoming a disciple of Christ."

Case Study 4: Surviving Office Conflicts

The dilemma:

Your twenty-four-year-old son, Mitchell, has worked as a designer at an ad agency for a few years, and you love showing off his work to friends and strangers alike. Last month, he was promoted to the position of fine art director.

His new function is a dream come truthful for Mitchell—except for one thing. One of his team members, a slightly older staffer named Nib, was supposed to ship Mitchell some project documents just "forgot," so Mitchell showed up to a major client meeting unprepared. Afterward the meeting, Bill apologized, and they chatted most some of their ideas. Later, at a team meeting, Beak championed one of the ideas Mitchell had mentioned—but presented it as his ain. Mitchell was too stunned to say anything.

You lot talk on the phone fairly oftentimes, and Mitchell explained that he likes his new job but doesn't recollect he can handle much more of this undermining coworker and has no idea how to confront him.

The response:

When Mitchell was in simple school, you could report bullying to his teacher—but at present that he's an adult, you can't phone call his boss to complain. It can make you feel helpless when you're reminded y'all tin can't protect your kids from everything.

Mind and inquire. It'southward great that Mitchell feels comfortable sharing his struggles with yous. Yous may apace assume you know how he's feeling because y'all have been in like situations, but brand sure you lot listen to his total story before jumping in with advice. And so, Hanks suggests, ask, "Are you open up to ideas? I've had my share of difficult coworkers, then maybe nosotros could talk nigh how to defuse the state of affairs."

Teach almost workplace dynamics. Since Mitchell is early on in his career, this may exist his first time dealing with a workplace conflict. You lot could point out that role politics and team tension are natural; information technology'due south only what happens when stakes are high and people take different opinions and personalities. But when information technology gets personal, it's damaging. Mitchell could approach Bill directly (a good resources is Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, et al.). Mitchell could also bring the issue to HR, merely remind him that he should come prepared with proposed solutions—treating it as a venting session signals immaturity. If the situation becomes extreme, yous could suggest that Mitchell visit world wide web.workplacebullying.org for guidelines.

Brainstorm strategies. To deal with brazen thought-poaching, Mitchell could say in a coming together, "Bill, cheers for recognizing my idea." He could also transport his manager an email saying, "I'thousand so glad Bill picked upward on this idea I discussed with him earlier. Allow me know how I can help." It's likely that Bill feels threatened by Mitchell, a quickly advancing, younger colleague. A 2009 study in the Periodical of Experimental Social Psychology offers one short-term strategy for subordinates: express gratitude. Sending the antagonizer a give thanks-you lot note or offering a compliment decreases ambitious behavior.

Example Study 5: Coping with a Organized religion Crisis

The dilemma:

Your daughter, Caroline, recently graduated from college. She has always been actively involved in the LDS Church; however, at your most recent family go-together, she revealed that she hasn't attended church for a few months.

The feelings your girl describes sound similar to a story relayed past Rosemary M. Wixom, former Chief full general president, in a 2015 LDS general conference talk: "With the spirit of research, this [adult female] continued to ask questions. But as the questions grew harder, and so did the answers. And sometimes there were no answers—or no answers that brought peace. Eventually, as she sought to discover answers, more than and more than questions arose, and she began to question some of the very foundations of her religion." The woman told Wixom, "I did not separate myself from the Church building considering of bad beliefs, spiritual apathy, looking for an excuse not to live the commandments, or searching for an piece of cake out. I felt I needed the respond to the question 'What do I really believe?'"

Caroline says she needs to take a break from attending church to sort out her feelings and beliefs. Y'all experience agape for her spiritual welfare, and you would exist heartbroken if she chose to leave your family unit'southward faith.

The response:

When your faith is such an of import part of your life, it's hard non to have a child'south religion crisis personally. You lot know your child has agency merely wish she would choose the path you believe is all-time.

Don't make it near you lot. Information technology's common for parents to react, "How can you do this to me?" Only it's not about you, says Hanks: "It'southward about your adult child figuring out what she wants for her life."

Know her heart. In President Wixom'due south story, the woman struggling with her faith said, "My parents knew my center and allowed me space. They chose to love me while I was trying to figure information technology out for myself." Hanks notes that the biggest complaint from young adults who get out their family's faith is that their family unit no longer considers their opinions valid. Even if you disagree with her conclusions, express confidence in your girl'south integrity and continue to listen to her and treat her with respect.

Allow her space. Information technology may be tempting to try to "ready" the situation by offering point-past-point rebuttals to Caroline's concerns or pointing out ways she could live more than righteously. If she is clear that she doesn't desire to be a part of the Church, don't send briefing talks and scriptures, cautions Hanks. "Information technology's like telling your family you're cutting out sugar from your diet, and so they manus you your favorite candy," she says. "That damages the relationship."

See the skilful. First, consider how this experience could do good Caroline. In his book Navigating Mormon Faith Crunch, Thomas Wirthlin McConkie proposes, "What if we understood faith crunch as part of a natural cycle of spiritual growth, a breaking open to brand room for new life and new faith?" 2d, consider how this experience could deepen your relationship with Caroline. "Your relationship doesn't need to depend on shared spiritual beliefs," Hanks says. "There are so many other ways to chronicle with people."

Love her. Whether Caroline returns to church or non, it'south essential to show beloved and preserve the relationship—which means yous shouldn't shun her or make her experience less included. "There are no eternal families without relationships first," Hanks says. As President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Advisor in the First Presidency of the LDSChurch, points out, "In this Church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restored past a boyfriend who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth."

Mythbusting Millennial Stereotypes

The phrase "kids these days" is almost never followed with something positive. The older generation frequently sees more vices than virtues in the younger generation. But of form, reality is not quite that elementary. Here are some stereotypes and facts near the millennial generation.

Stereotype: Millennials are doomed.

Reality: According to the Pew Research Center, millennials are the start in the modern era to accept higher levels of student debt, poverty, and unemployment, and lower levels of wealth than their parents and grandparents had at the same historic period. All the same more than than fourscore per centum of millennials say they are optimistic about their financial futures.

Stereotype: Millennials just want to move dorsum home.

Reality: Indeed, young adults remaining or returning home is increasingly common in the United States. According to the Pew Research Center, between 2010 and 2015 the number of young adults living with parents rose from 24 to 26 pct—despite an improving job market.

Stereotype: Millennials wait constant praise.

Reality: A comprehensive survey of thirteen,150 PwC employees from across the world showed that millennials do value praise—41 percent prefer to be rewarded or recognized for their work at least monthly, but then did thirty percent of non-millennials. Millennials in the survey said they wanted a work environment that emphasizes teamwork, transparency, and a sense of community.

Stereotype: Millennials aren't willing to pay their ante.

Reality: Millennials place the highest value on flexibility—64 percent in the PwC survey said they would similar to occasionally work from home, and 66 percent wanted to shift their work hours. The PwC study explained, "Millennials exercise not believe that productivity should be measured by the number of hours worked at the office, merely past the output of work performed. They view piece of work equally a 'thing' and not a 'place.'" They're not alone, though—18 percent of employees across generations would be willing to give upwardly pay or delay promotions in exchange for fewer work hours.

Stereotype: Millennials are not as hardworking as older generations.

Reality: Research by Angela Duckworth, a psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, shows that a person's level of grit—a combination of passion and perseverance—rises with age. Does that mean cultural forces take fabricated millennials inherently less gritty and virtuous? No, says Duckworth—it'due south simply a reflection of the maturity principle. Longitudinal studies offer hopeful prove that we practise, afterward all, learn, abound, and become better people as nosotros historic period. So the only thing "wrong" with millennials, says Duckworth, is that "they just haven't grown up—even so."

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Article written by: Holly Munson
Illustrations by Scotty Reifsnyder

Well-nigh the Author
Holly Munson is a freelance writer, editor, and content strategist. She graduated from BYU with a degree in journalism and lives in Philadelphia with her family.

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Source: https://marriott.byu.edu/magazine/feature/case-studies-for-parents-of-adults

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