Im Trying to Im in Love With You Baby Noone Else Will Do

Love songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and nigh of our worst ideas.

Nothing skillful can come of this. Photo by Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout homo history, oceans have been crossed, mountains take been scaled, and not bad families have blossomed — all because of a few unproblematic chords and a melody that inflamed a center and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other mitt, that time you told that daughter you just started seeing that you would "catch a grenade" for her? Y'all did that because of a love vocal. And information technology wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move back to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"Information technology'due south just, my mom. You lot know? And Fifty.A. is so hot in the summer. And yeah, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time y'all held that boom box over your head exterior your ex'due south house? You did that considering of a love vocal. And 50 hours of customs service later, you're still not back together.

Honey songs are great. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, existent-life human relationships should work.

They're astonishing. So astonishing. And also terrible.

Here are six love songs that sound romantic but aren't, and ane song that doesn't sound romantic but totally is:

1. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys

Yous can go along your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Go Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When information technology comes to The Embankment Boys, "God But Knows" is where it'southward at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of audio. A mural of haunted innocence with some of the about heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photograph by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

I may non always dear you

But long as there are stars above yous

You never demand to dubiety it

I'll make you so sure nearly it

God merely knows what I'd be without yous

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and non playing "God But Knows" on your iPod, y'all should really stop and kickoff over.

If you're lazily bumping a embankment brawl over a volleyball cyberspace and "God Just Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your mind, you demand to rethink the choices that got yous to this point.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and y'all're not underscoring information technology with the opening chords of "God Simply Knows," you are doing it wrong.

Hippies, likely on their way to a mud frolic. Photo past Colin Davey/Getty Images.

Information technology's a vocal that but feels like dearest. Pure love. Young beloved. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be wrong with that?

Hither's why it'southward really really, really unromantic:

There's nada wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair every bit they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the dorsum porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But there is such a thing as loving someone a skosh besides much.

If you should always leave me

Though life would all the same go on believe me

The world could show nothing to me

Then what skilful would living practise me?

Look, I go it. Breakups suck. At that place's no getting effectually that. But good God.

There'southward a huge difference between proverb: "Hey baby, you are my start and foremost everything and I'll exist bummed if yous become." And saying: "Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, so I'chiliad just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and phone call it a life."

Simply that'due south pretty much the gist hither. Which makes this line...

God only knows what I'd be without you

...horror-movie creepy. Considering the answer, apparently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a good run. Photo via iStock.

That's not love. That's codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It's a grade of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of cocky-worth in whatsoever relationship — one that, by definition, might i day terminate — is putting a lot of eggs in one handbasket. Sure, God may merely know what you'd exist without her, but God probably also hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yeah! Hell aye! What was her name again?" Photo by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.

One person cannot be anyone's be-all and terminate-all. It'south too stressful. And it prevents you from doing you lot, which is a affair that's gotta exist done earlier you can practise annihilation else.

No wonder she took that task in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Certain, information technology's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song you've always heard. Only, nosotros don't take Michael Jackson anymore, and every bit tribute acts become, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that confront. That face! Photo past Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here's why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what y'all are

Honey, you're my gilded star

You know you can make my wish come true

If you let me treasure you

If you let me treasure you

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-course brand-out party and you'll likely get an instant price pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will think you're weird — merely probably still brand out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America considering of this vocal.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'm OK with that.

But, here's why "Treasure" isn't as romantic as information technology seems:

Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes most gender.

"Children, take I always told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the starting time time we met?" Photograph by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things start to go south right from the very first:

Give me your, requite me your, give me your attention, baby

I gotta tell you a little something nearly yourself

Ah yep. Zero screams "respect" quite similar a homo lecturing a strange woman on the street nearly something she "doesn't know virtually herself."

What could it be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could information technology be that she's got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book about early on modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Cheers for didactics me all about Martin Luther'southward bible!" Photo past Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Warning: It's none of those.

You're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you lot're a sexy lady

But you walk around hither like y'all wanna be someone else

Oh. Information technology's that she'due south sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Word of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she'due south sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't touch her day-to-day and then much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

So what if she does want to exist someone else? I'd dearest to be someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would exist quite nice. A adept fashion to spend a iii-day weekend.

Sure, in that location'd exist an adjustment period... Photo past Eamonn Yard. McCormack/Getty Images.

And so afterward, of course, the narrator tin can't assistance himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty daughter, y'all should be smiling

A girl like you should never look then bluish.

He respects her so much, he's actually straight-upwardly telling her to smile! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to go off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, y'all know, I guess everybody's got a thing.

Yes, in the world of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said adult female being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex activity."

He then gain to talk to his potential lover like the world's creepiest pirate:

You lot are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you lot, yous, you, yous are

You are my treasure, y'all are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, yous, you lot, yous, you are

Past this point, in his mind, she'due south a literal thing. An object. Which is plumbing equipment.

I suppose it could exist worse, though. At least she's not just any thing.

GIF from "The 2 Towers."

That'southward ... something, right?

3. "Don't Recall Twice, It'southward All Right," by Bob Dylan

For as long equally humans accept been dating each other, humans have been breaking upwards with each other. And "Don't Remember Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is skillful at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photo by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no utilise to sit and wonder why, babe

Even you don't know by now

And it ain't no use to sit down and wonder why, babe

It'll never practise somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll be gone

You lot're the reason I'm a-traveling on

Merely don't recall twice, information technology'southward all right.

Smash. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits state of affairs like whoa.

"Don't Think Twice" is a raw vocal. An honest song. A powerful song. It's the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months afterwards her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her bank-teller job, load her iv Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad e'er wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are y'all looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, it'due south about the end of a relationship, but information technology sounds romantic. And at the terminate of the day, shouldn't that be plenty?

Here'due south why it'southward actually sooooo messed upwardly:

Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right way to telephone call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a difficult, honest give-and-take about what went incorrect.

Information technology's not me, Joan. It's you lot. 100% you lot. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Think Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "Information technology'southward your fault."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, correct? Y'all're all like, "Babe, I but have so much unspecified love to give," and she's like, "Take out the trash!" And you're similar, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart be enough?" And she'southward like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole business firm, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the calendar week. All I demand y'all to practice is take out the trash." And you're like, "You're bumming me out. I'm gonna become play guitar." And then she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!

Y'all could have done better, but I don't mind

Yes. Yous practice mind! You mind! You wrote a song about information technology, you passive-aggressive prick.

Yous just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your time is so precious! Think about all the hours you wasted plumbing the body of water-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you could accept been futzing effectually with that home-mash kit.

Yes, this was worth information technology. Photograph past Nib Bradford/Flickr.

The minute you start breaking it down, the message of "Don't Call up Twice" of a sudden starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister's ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Store in town for a while and at present might be in jail. Like your aunt'south air current chime store, which would have airtight forever agone had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Similar your friend'south absurd dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child support.

"Yous kids want a beer? No 1'southward under 13, right?" Photo via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the vocal's narrator also bespeak-blank refers woman he's leaving as:

A child, I'1000 told

That's right. In addition to being a run-of-the-manufactory passive-ambitious jerk — turns out, he's besides possibly a pedophile.

Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a child — which at that place's no indication information technology is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson hither would willingly choose an immature partner reflects style more than poorly on him than information technology does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive style is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk vocal virtually hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per 60 minutes?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Boob tube Network/Wikimedia Eatables.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were still kind of new at the time information technology was written.

'Cause I'yard leavin' on a jet airplane

To a modern ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'1000 a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," only in a way that's somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer camp. Not like shooting fish in a barrel to do!

Oh baby, I hate to become

You see — he hates to go! He just hates it! We know this, because he tells u.s. he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn't honey his partner just that much?

See ya! Photograph past Altair78/Wikimedia Eatables.

Why indeed?

Here'southward why it'southward actually non that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can only distract and then much from the fact that the song's primary grapheme is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem like he hates being away all that much:

At that place's so many times I've let you downward

So many times I've played around

I tell you lot at present, they don't mean a thing

"Baby, I promise! All the movies I watched lonely while you lot were dwelling nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to exercise! Actually fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. Just rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty as this bed I merely finished having sex with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yes, when you interruption it down, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming altitude and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "skilful" despite all evidence to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be broken upward nigh having to function from his ane and only, the dude seems pretty excited about the flying. Oh, you're leaving on a jet aeroplane, are you lot? Are you Zone ane? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter well-nigh the "terrible" Cibo express salad you were forced to choke downwardly as you lot sat waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life then hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll think of you

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you

Ah cool. He'll think about her while strumming and making "my dear is delicate as the forenoon dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes upwards for it all.

Then he demands:

So osculation me and grinning for me

Tell me that you'll wait for me

After all the expose and heartbreak, afterwards basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who can't exist trusted, he however has the gall to tell her to await? To wait for him?

And here'southward the kicker:

When I come dorsum, I'll bring your wedding ring

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Dissimilar all the previous trips, where he'due south cheated a billion times, drained the family bank account, and just been a full general screwup and disappointment.

Merely yeah. This time he says he'll bring dorsum a wedding ring.

I promise she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When yous look up "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you the very first line.

Here'south why information technology sound very romantic:

When a man loves a adult female

Sure, you tin write the lyrics down, merely it doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, succulent pain-belting:

WHEN A Man LOVES A Adult female

Closer ... but notwithstanding no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

Information technology'southward an elemental lyric.

It'due south a eye-shattering lyric.

It's a lyric that demands you put your back into it.

It'southward perfection.

As long every bit you don't go on listening.

Hither's why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Homo Loves a Woman," we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He'd give upwards all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that's the way

Information technology ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Back upwards. A human being, no thing how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will dice of exposure and hypothermia.

Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A man tin can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A man needs friends! Once a homo'southward whole back up organisation erodes out from under him, a man volition be bitter, ungrounded, and lonely. And a man'southward mental health volition deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to hold on to your heartless love

Baby, please don't treat me bad.

This is not what happens "when a man loves a woman." It's what happens when a man loves a controlling, manipulative adult female. An abusive woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.

"It'southward Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not salubrious.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! Nosotros're hither for you.

(Side notation: Lest it become unsaid, at that place is way more than than one style for a man to love a woman. Possibly they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the olfactory organ. Maybe they sleep in separate bedrooms. Maybe they dress up in large, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a man, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living state of affairs, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, at that place'due south no one-size-fits-all dearest solution. Every human relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There's more 1 mode to skin a true cat. A spoonful of saccharide helps the medicine become downwards.

It doesn't matter if it'southward the right metaphor, as long as it'southward a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek help! You can exercise this! And if you always find yourself in a similar state of affairs, please give these people a telephone call.

half dozen. "All I Wanna Do is Make Honey to You," Heart

Honestly, Centre could sing a listing of the most pop AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/Earth's Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would make me want to bark my eyes out in the artillery of a tall, dark stranger at the stop of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should always exist listening to it. If you're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It's just that important.

I am singing the phone book. Y'all are weeping similar a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. Then much hurting. And so much pilus.

Hither's why information technology sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared past every living beingness on Earth: picking upward an unnervingly attractive human being for one night of mind-bravado sex so releasing him dorsum into the wild to bone — but never quite as compellingly ever over again.

They sing:

It was a rainy nighttime when he came into sight

Standing by the route, no umbrella, no coat

And so I pulled upward alongside and I offered him a ride

He accustomed with a smile so we drove for a while

I don't have to keep because you lot know what happens next, and it'southward awesome.

"I just sit down in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photograph by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here's why this song is non romantic at all:

The relationship in "All I Wanna Practice" seems besides good to be true. And information technology is. Because it's not an equally loving ,or even equally lusty, pairing at all.

It's a...

It'due south a...

Well. You know what information technology is:

Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photograph by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming along just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:

I didn't inquire him his proper noun, this lonely male child in the pelting

Fate, tell me it's right, is this honey at showtime sight?

Certain, many of usa might hesitate to pick up a strange leather-jacket-clad homo continuing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator merely has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

I can respect that.

We made magic that dark

He did everything right

Great! Seems like information technology was a good determination. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

Only so, without warning, the song starts to sound less like an best great romance and more than like a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him "I am the flower, yous are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't try to detect me, please don't you cartel

Just live in my memory, you lot'll e'er be there"

I'm non a poet. Symbolic language oft eludes me. Just unless "bloom," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly hateful wildly dissimilar things in the context of homo reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early on-1970s, we're talking about a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

How-do-you-do! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Eatables.

Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to retrieve, "Peradventure Heart meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

Then information technology happened one day

We came round the same way

You tin imagine his surprise

When he saw his own eyes

There are ii possibilities here.

I: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York Metropolis subway ad from 9 years ago:

Photograph past eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, delight understand

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I'm in love with another man

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has at present wrecked not one simply 2 lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the one little thing that y'all can"

A Homo LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT Homo LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best you lot can say about that is that it'due south not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his own nascence control. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

Only ... it's not cute. It's not romantic (fifty-fifty the Wilson sisters themselves concord).

And at the end of the solar day, the shadiest character in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the dark.

Which... is saying something.

Only there is a love song that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A song that can double as a manual for the platonic human romantic relationship.

And that song is...

"Candy Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Here's why y'all might be — OK, virtually definitely are — skeptical:

l Cent (L) and that guy. Y'all know, that guy? That guy! Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy equally "Candy Shop" is, equally fun information technology is to dance to, and as cathartic as it can be to scream in the center of a crowded fraternity house at two a.m., at that place's no getting around the fact that the song begins like this:

I'll take you to the processed shop

I'll let yous lick the lollipop

I'll post that over again, in case you missed some of the nuance:

I'll take you to the candy store

I'll let yous lick the lollipop

Way to take one for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!

At first glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody'south idea of a classic love vocal.

The lyrics are ... unusually frontward. The beat out is kinda basic. The hook is similar the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't become played much anymore. When it does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Burn down" on your new Xbox 360.

It's not a song you'd put on a mixtape for your shell. It's non a vocal you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the bodyguard and yous've got nine hours to tear upwardly the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It'due south certainly not a song you'd include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents' silver anniversary.

It'southward just not.

Just it should be.

And then here it is. Here'due south why "Candy Store" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

Yous wanna dorsum that thing up or should I push upwards on information technology? Photograph by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass pulsate hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission sideslip. Information technology'south just been 20 seconds, and you're already getting ready to hang it up with "Candy Shop."

But then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female vocalisation joining the track, cutting through the din like a clarion call.

She sings:

I'll take you to the candy shop (yeah)

Boy, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have you spendin' all you got (come on)

Proceed going 'til you lot hit the spot, whoa

Information technology's mutual! It'south common! They're performing oral sex activity on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, get! Photograph past liz west/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may not be the earth's greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets it:

You lot could take it your way, how practise you want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he'southward with — a la the dude in "God Just Knows ("I'm going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to treat yous similar a breast total of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Make Dearest to You," ("I'm going to play a joke on you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Store" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is good for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It's whatever you're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I own't finished teaching you lot 'bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.

Just here'south the cardinal matter: the lady on the receiving stop of those desires? She'due south clearly into it. And we know this considering she says so.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are vivid red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky gild floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is exterior trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Daughter what we do ...

And where we do ...

The things nosotros practice ...

Are just between me and y'all

No matter how nasty they freak, information technology will be intimate. Information technology will be private. There volition be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll exist a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very mayhap in the case of "Candy Shop") minutes long.

She may accept a high sex activity drive, but dude is graciously offering to adjust her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids but might go the altitude afterwards all.

And at the end of the day, what is a relationship simply two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thanks, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

Information technology'southward like it's a race who could go undressed quicker

Over again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an equally great time.

I touch the right spot at the right fourth dimension

Of course, information technology wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random braggadocio, only if nosotros're to have him at his discussion, "Candy Shop" guy is at least as good at "doing everything correct" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Practice is Make Dear to You" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the nighttime or a funky, shimmering love god. He's a adept partner.

"Candy Shop" is raunchy. It's muddy. It'south non your grandmother'south love vocal.

But when you strip away the swagger, the back beat, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," past the end of the vocal, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all nearly?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Photo by Francois Durand/Getty Images.

So seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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